Sweet Child Of Mine
by lemonjelly
Summary: Carby. Maggie is ill & Abby has to go away & leave Carter behind [COMPLETE] I didn't put on a disclaimer, but hey, I don't own ER, unfortunatly.
1. Back Again

It had been a long day. Carter stepped outside into the dark evening sky. It was an early spring evening and it rained. He looked around, as though he was expecting to see Abby there, perched on the side of the bench, smoking a cigarette. He knew she wouldn't be there, she didn't even smoke anymore; she would be at home, looking after their baby daughter, Nathalie, but something made him look. There was a figure sat on the bench, but instead of it being Abby, it was  
  
"Eric?" Carter asked, approaching. Eric turned and smiled at Carter.  
  
"Hi there, is Abby around?" he asked.  
  
"Um, no. She's still on maternity leave." Carter told him. "You want to come back with me to see her?"  
  
"Oh, god, yeah, I forgot she had a baby. I haven't seen her in ages. I only heard she was pregnant but I guess I forgot." Eric smiled. "Girl or boy?"  
  
"Girl," Carter was only too happy to share information on his new daughter, who he was very proud of. "Her name's Nathalie, two months old" He grinned broadly.  
  
"Wow, time moves fast," Eric commented.  
  
"Yes, it does," Carter agreed. "Well, you want to come back and see them. I'm sure Abby will be really happy to see you again."  
  
* * *  
  
"Hey, honey," Carter called as he came in the door.  
  
"Shh, you'll wake Nathalie," Abby warned him as she came to greet him. Then she noticed Eric.  
  
"Oh my God! Eric!" She squealed, ignoring her previous warning to Carter. She flung her arms around him. "Where have you been? I haven't seen you in ages? What brought you back here? How are you?" Eric smiled at the torrent of questions.  
  
"Hey, you wanna slow down a bit?" Eric asked, jokingly. "I'm fine. It should be me asking the questions, after all, I did miss the birth of my niece." Abby smiled. Carter, after he had taken off his coat, came and put his arm around Abby's waist.  
  
"She's sleeping, right?" Carter asked Abby, who nodded. "As long as you're quiet, come and see her."  
  
"Sure, I'd love to," Eric nodded and they crept into Nathalie's bedroom, where she slept peacefully.  
  
"She's so cute," Eric whispered. Carter smiled at Abby. Nathalie turned in her sleep, one small hand complete with tiny fingernails gripped the ear of her teddy bear. Her little mouth pouted slightly as she slept on and Abby tucked the blanket around her as they left the room.  
  
* * *  
  
"So, what made you come back so suddenly?" Abby asked her brother as they sat around the kitchen table. Eric looked a bit uncomfortable at this question.  
  
"Well, Maggie's ill. Really ill," Eric began. In the next room, Nathalie woke up and began to cry.  
  
"I'll go see to her," Carter muttered and left, quickly. For the first time he was glad for his baby daughter's wailing, as it provided a welcome escape from the hostility and uncomfortable feeling that was felt when Eric and Abby's mother was mentioned. He didn't understand Abby's hatred for her mother, he just accepted it. He didn't want to get involved; it seemed far too complicated to make sense.  
  
"And? What do you want me to do about it?" retorted Abby. Eric shrugged, defencelessly.  
  
"Well, I just thought it would be nice if we were there for her," Eric suggested. Abby looked at him with expressionless eyes. "You know, when she.well.when she dies." Eric didn't want to bring up Maggie's inevitable death. He didn't want to hear Abby tell him that she didn't care, or something like that. It just seemed so unnatural, so cruel, and so wrong that Abby should not mind about her mother's death.  
  
"Well will this be anytime soon?" Abby asked, coolly.  
  
"Oh for god's sake, Abby, it's not something you can put down in your diary." Eric became impatient. "Wouldn't it just be nice to make amends, before she dies? Otherwise you might regret it."  
  
"Oh, right. Maggie's dying, oh shame, let's all kiss and make up." Abby spat out, sarcastically.  
  
"Abby, seriously, she's still our mother, despite what you may hope. Despite the fact you call her Maggie. Despite the fact you never see her," Eric replied. "You should come down and see her. Before it's too late."  
  
"You make it sound so dramatic"  
  
"Well it's not something you take lightly."  
  
"I can't just come down just like that. I've got my own family now." Abby told him, and then wished she hadn't. Eric's face fell. She replayed her last sentence in her head and realised how it must've sounded. To Eric, she and Maggie were his only family, but now she had gone off and began her own. "Oh god, Eric, don't take it like that. I didn't mean it that way. I meant it in a sense that I can't drop everything and leave. What about Nathalie?"  
  
"Yeah, I know," Eric nodded. "I guess it would be complicated. Ok, forget it, but I have to get back to her." Eric looked so sad and upset. He had tried. He had tried to fix his dysfunctional family, but as always, both Abby was too stubborn, too headstrong to forgive. If it wasn't Abby, then it was Maggie. Like mother like daughter. They were so similar; it was crazy that they didn't get on.  
  
"Oh, Eric," Abby sighed. "I'll come. I'll come and I guess I'll have to bring everyone with me. There's no way I'm leaving my baby, she's only two months old."  
  
Eric smiled and nodded.  
  
"I'm sure Maggie would be really pleased to see you and her granddaughter," Eric enthused. Abby scowled; as if hating to be reminded that her poor defenceless baby was actually related to Maggie.  
  
"When do you want me to come down?" Abby asked.  
  
"Well, tomorrow would be fantastic," Eric suggested. Abby rolled her eyes. It would have to be straight away.  
  
"Fine, I'll see if I can get leave at such short notice," she emphasised the word 'short' as though trying to draw more attention to Maggie being an inconvenience. Eric beamed.  
  
"Thanks, Ab."  
  
"No problem. Well, it is a problem, but hey." She sighed, smiled and got up to go and see how Carter was getting on. Everything in her life was just brand new. Just washed clean. New apartment, new husband, new baby. She wished she could spend more time with the newness of her life, but as always, her mother had to return. She had to come back, staining the fresh start, spoiling the new beginning, reminding her of everything in the old life she so hated. She had only just found someone else to lean on. She had only just begun to raise a child who was her own, and not her brother. She had only begun to smile again when her mother calls her back. Could she not leave things be?  
  
* * *  
  
Abby joined Carter in Nathalie's room.  
  
"How is she?" Carter and Abby whispered in unison. They smiled, but Abby's smile soon faded. In an answer to her question, Nathalie yawned widely and closed her eyes. Carter placed her gently back into the bed and Abby tucked her in.  
  
"She's not very well." Abby replied, shortly. Carter looked at her and raised her eyebrows.  
  
"Ok, fine," Abby gave in. She didn't particularly want to elaborate on a subject she hated, but Carter would drag it out of her anyway. "She's probably going to die soon. Eric wants me to go down and be with her."  
  
"When?" Carter asked. Abby smiled bitterly.  
  
"Tomorrow." Abby answered. Her smile fell from her face and she dug her head into Carter's chest. Carter put his arms around her, and stroked her back, trying to calm her down.  
  
"I don't want to go," she mumbled into his shirt. She pressed her head against him harder. "I don't want to go,"  
  
"Hey, hey," he turned her head up to look in her eyes and he was surprised to find angry tears there. "It's ok, baby. Don't you want to make amends?"  
  
"No," Abby pouted. She shook her head fiercely. "I want to stay here. I want to stay with you, I want to look after my baby and I want to keep away from my old life." Carter stroked her cheek. His finger seemed to coax a tear out of her furious eyes and it slid down her cheek and ran onto his knuckle.  
  
"We can all go. Wherever you want me, Abby, I'll be there," Carter promised her. "We can take Nathalie and we can go,"  
  
"But.but tomorrow?" Abby looked up, doubtful, her frustration began to fall away. Carter smiled at her.  
  
"Anything is possible, honey." Carter kissed her still pouting lips, gently. "Just relax a bit. Get some sleep." She allowed herself to be carried in his arms. He was right, how did he know she was tired? She didn't even realise how tired she was until he kissed her and whispered those words. She rested his head on his shoulder. Everything would get sorted out. She was sure of it. He laid her, gently on their bed and stroked her hair. 'As long as he was there,' she thought, 'as long as he was there for her, nothing could ever touch them' She fell asleep and dreamt of her, Carter, Nathalie, Maggie and Eric all together, as all one happy, normal family. Like he said, anything is possible. Maybe even true happiness could happen. 


	2. Road Trip

Abby packed her clothes neatly into a small suitcase, whilst rocking Nathalie, and smiled at Carter, who was getting ready to go to the ER.  
  
"So you'll be back at 2?" Abby asked again.  
  
"I promise," Carter smiled and nodded. Why was she so worried about visiting her own mother alone?  
  
"I don't see why you have to go in today," Abby frowned. She couldn't risk him getting caught by a trauma or something, she needed him home and with her all the way.  
  
"Come on, baby. Smile," Carter kissed her as her fumbled with his tie. "I need to go in to sort out my leave. We can't just go AWOL, Weaver would go mental." Abby smiled at the thought of her and Carter escaping from the ER together and Weaver chasing after them.  
  
"See, there's that beautiful smile," Carter grinned. Abby raised her eyebrows and tried hard to wipe the smile from her face just to prove him wrong. "I'll be home at 2, promise." He kissed her and Nathalie quickly before grabbing his case and leaving.  
  
"Bye," he called from the hall. "Love you," The door slammed shut.  
  
"Love you, too," Abby whispered to herself. He was already gone.  
  
* * *  
  
Eric found her in the living room, playing with Nathalie.  
  
"Good morning," he greeted. Abby looked up and smiled.  
  
"Good morning, sleep ok?"  
  
"Yeah, great thanks. Where's Carter?" He asked.  
  
"Work," Abby replied. "He'll be back at 2, though, and then we'll leave." She told him this, although it was more for self-assurance. Carter would be back at 2. Everything would be ok.  
  
* * *  
  
Abby had Nathalie all dressed and had packed all her things. She sat by the door, on her suitcase, waiting. Why did she feel so anxious?  
  
"Hey, Abby. What are you doing sitting out here?" Eric came by.  
  
"He'll be back soon," she replied, not taking her eyes off the clock above the door. Five to 2. There's nothing wrong with being early, why couldn't he come back now? Four to 2. Come on come on. Four to 2 and thirty seconds. Oh for god's sake. Nathalie whimpered slightly and Abby realised that in her anticipation, she had hugged her baby daughter to her so tightly that she began to fret. "Sorry, sorry honey," she whispered and rocked her gently. She watched the door with eyes that stared so hard they must've burnt holes through the wood. Where was he? There were footsteps, up to the door. There was the jingle of keys. Abby held her breath. This was ridiculous, but she wanted him back more than ever. There was the rattle as the key tried to find the lock. A click. Turn the key. Another click. The door swung open on reluctant hinges. Abby leapt up and flung herself into his arms.  
  
"Hey, hey," Carter smiled. "What's all this? What's happened?" Abby drew back from him and looked a bit embarrassed for not having a proper reason.  
  
"I thought maybe you weren't coming back," she replied, shyly. "I really need you with me right now." Carter's smiled dropped from his face.  
  
"Oh, Abby," he sighed and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.  
  
"What?" she asked suddenly worried. "'Oh Abby'- what?" Carter chewed on his bottom lip.  
  
"I can't go." Carter told her, finally. Abby laughed, nervously.  
  
"You can't go where?" she asked, even though she knew the answer.  
  
"I can't go with you on this. Weaver can't spare me," he shook his head sadly.  
  
"But - but I can't spare you, either," she said, helplessly. "What are we going to do?"  
  
"You go, honey. Take Nathalie, too, she needs you," Carter told her.  
  
"But I need you," Abby protested. "I need you, John."  
  
"Honey, it's not about me, it's between you and you're mother." He tried to reason.  
  
"I need you there. You said wherever I wanted you, you'd be there," Abby begged him.  
  
"Baby, I would go. I'd do anything for you, but I can't. There's nothing I can do about it," Carter apologised. Abby fell into his arms again.  
  
"I don't want to go without you," she whispered to his tie. Carter stroked her head and took baby Nathalie out of her arms.  
  
"Be strong, honey. You'll be fine." Carter assured her. She looked up at him.  
  
"I'll miss you," she told him. He smiled.  
  
"I'll miss you too," he replied. "I'll call you everyday, I promise." He kissed her, softly as Eric came by.  
  
"Hey, Carter, you ready to go?" Eric asked. Carter shook his head.  
  
"Sorry, Eric, I can't go." Carter replied. "But take good care of Abby and Nathalie." He kissed Nathalie on the forehead and placed her in her baby carrier. He took Abby's forlorn looking face in his hands and looked at her for a while. Then he brought it towards him and kissed her. It had to be long, it had to be special. It had to last them both the whole time they were kept apart. When they finally broke apart, Carter looked straight into Abby's eyes and smiled, slightly. Abby stuck her chin up and took a deep breath.  
  
"Ok, let's go," she told Eric, not taking her eyes off Carter.  
  
"I'll call you everyday," Carter promised. Abby smiled slightly.  
  
"You damn well better," she replied. Then she turned and picked up Nathalie. Eric took his suitcase and went out of the door, followed by Abby with Nathalie, and then Carter with Abby's suitcase. He piled them into the car and waited as Abby strapped Nathalie into her baby seat. When she ducked out from the back seat, she turned and looked straight at him. He brushed the stray hair from her forehead and ran his finger down the side of her face and neck.  
  
"We'll be ok, honey." Carter told her. "I'll see you soon. Take care, baby." Abby only nodded, she couldn't open her mouth in fear of crying. She didn't want to make such a fuss over something that must seem so trivial to everyone around her. Only she could understand the weight of the dread and mixed emotions that settled in her soul. She got into the seat next to Nathalie, refusing to sit beside her brother, in case he asked her a question. She didn't feel like talking. She didn't want to risk starting a stream of tears that she didn't think she could find an end to.  
  
* * *  
  
The steady smooth speed of the car had slowly sent Nathalie into a deep sleep. The car was silent apart from the faint crackling country music that played from the broken car stereo. The tension muffled any noise, anyway, like a smothering blanket. Abby sat back in the seat. She was ok with the tension. It was evident, however, that Eric wasn't, as he tried searching for different radio stations, looking for a distraction from a situation he couldn't help feeling he had started. Abby stared out of the window. The sky was all grey. The road they travelled down was grey. The concrete buildings were grey and the expressionless people that wandered the various streets were grey, too. Where was Carter? Where was he when she needed him to add the sparking vibrant colours to her life? She should never have left him. A tear slid down her face and she made her hair swing down to hide her face, in case Eric happened to look in the mirror and see her crying. She leant her head against the cool glass and stared up at the sky. Maybe Carter was watching the sky, too. This only made the tears fall faster. Above her, the heavens opened up and drenched the world around. Just how she felt. Drenched, sodden and low. 


	3. Like Mother Like Daughter

Eric finally pulled the car up outside a concrete apartment block. The entire journey had been in complete silence apart from Nathalie's occasional wailing. Eric turned in the seat and looked at Abby.  
  
"We're here," he told her. Abby looked directly at him.  
  
"Yes I know," she replied, calmly. "Is she there?"  
  
"No, she's in hospital," he answered her, knowing exactly who 'she' was.  
  
"Wow," Abby raised her eyebrows and looked surprised. "So maybe she isn't faking. Maybe this isn't just a huge plan to drag me out of my structured happy life to join in with her miserable failure." Eric shook his head and got out of the car. It had stopped raining, but the clouds were heavy and dark and the wind whipped at his face. Abby got out of the car on the other side and looked at him from over the top of the metallic paint covered roof.  
  
"So, what is it this time?" she asked him.  
  
"Huh?" he looked at her, blankly.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" Abby explained, impatiently. "I might have come all the way down here with no explanation, but I'm not going any further until I find out what's wrong with her."  
  
"It's cold out here, Abby, and it'll take ages to explain," Eric protested. "Come inside and I'll tell you then."  
  
"No, I said I'm not going any further. Tell me now," Abby refused, stubbornly. She had no point to this argument; she just wanted to make sure she was still in control. She just wanted a bit of reassurance that she wasn't the one being told what to do. Eric rolled his eyes.  
  
"It's not a condition or anything," he sighed. "She's just old. She's had a series of strokes and her last one was quite serious." Abby looked at him.  
  
"What, so she's not got, like, I don't know, cancer or anything?" Abby asked.  
  
"Well sorry to disappoint, Abby," Eric snapped, sarcastically. "Is her death not bad enough for you unless accompanied by a disease?"  
  
"A stroke? Come on, Eric, it's a bit vague. She could die tomorrow, or I could be here until next year," she shook her head walked around the car. Eric thought she was going to go into the apartment, but she got into the driver's seat instead.  
  
"What are you doing?" Eric asked her, suspiciously. Abby wound down the window and looked out at him.  
  
"Seriously, Eric, what does it look like? I didn't bring you up to be stupid," she snapped. "I want to go home. Give me the keys." Eric stared, disbelieving.  
  
"You can't do this, Abby." Eric told her. "You've come all the way here and you're really going to turn back now?"  
  
"Looks like it," Abby answered, coolly. "Eric, don't tell me what to do. I practically raised you, and now I have my own kid to deal with. Can I please go home?"  
  
"Well if you're so in control, why are you asking me if you can go or not?" he shouted back. Abby said nothing but held out her hand for the keys.  
  
"Fine, Abby. If you were such a good 'mother' to me, then you'd stay and set a good example by being there for your own mother." Eric shouted. He shrugged his shoulders and placed the keys in her waiting palm. Abby raised her eyebrows.  
  
"What, like she ever set a good example for us." She commented.  
  
"Abby?" Eric began. Abby looked at him straight in the eye. "Are you scared?" She immediately averted her gaze and wound the window up. Above her, the clouds were indecisive. Rain or don't rain? Not like it mattered, her day could not get much worse. The car reversed out of the drive. Eric stood calmly and watched his older sister drive his car away, possible all the way back to Chicago. It backed up to the wall and then made to turn around and leave. But it stopped. It didn't go on. Eric cautiously approached. Could this be one of Abby little games that got his hopes up and then tore them down again? He may be older now, but Abby could still hurt him.  
  
He stood outside the window and peered through it. Abby sat, looked at her hands as they lay, motionless on her lap. He opened the car door and she didn't look up.  
  
"Abby?" he whispered. "You scared?" She turned and looked at him with shining eyes and nodded. Her dry lips mouthed the word 'yes' and she fell into his arms.  
  
"Come on, then," he murmured and he closed the car door, took Nathalie from the back seat and made his way back to the apartment. She drew back from him and took Nathalie from his arms.  
  
"Sorry, Eric." She told him. The clouds darkened overhead and a raindrop fell from the sky. It splashed onto her cheek and then the rain poured down.  
  
"It's ok, let's get inside." He handed her the house keys and took the car ones from her. Then her went to the car and fetched her suitcase. Abby stood in the rain, sheltering Nathalie under her jacket. She was glad for the rain. It ran through her hair and down her neck. It mixed with her tears and drizzled down her face. Could he tell she was crying now? Could he tell that she wasn't the strong one anymore? She was glad for the rain; the rain that kept her in the shadows and hid her fear and anxiety from her brother. How could she see Maggie again? How could she come back after so long? 


	4. While You Were Sleeping

Carter tapped impatiently on the table with his fingers as he pressed the phone hard against his ear. "Abby...Abby." he murmured into the receiver that responded with the same ringing tone. "Come on, babe, pick up, I miss you." He looked at the clock above him. It was only eleven-thirty. Surely she wouldn't be asleep yet? Maybe she was tired from the journey.  
  
* * *  
  
Eric's hands scrabbled through Abby's handbag frantically as the mobile phone continued to ring. His fingers grasped the plastic casing and he brought it out of the bag. On the phone screen, a miniature picture of a phone flashed and the letters spelt out "HOME". He knew that's who it would be and he pressed "Answer" and placed it to his ear.  
  
In Chicago, Carter was aware that the ringing tone stopped. "Hello? Abby? Is that you?" he asked desperately. She was ok, wasn't she? He had been so stupid for not going with her.  
  
"No, it's Eric." Eric answered. "Carter, right?"  
  
"Yeah," Carter replied, vaguely. "Where's Abby? Is she ok?"  
  
"She's fine, calm down," Eric said. "She's just asleep that's all. It's kinda been hard for her, coming down here alone."  
  
"She's not alone," Carter replied. "She has you. And Nathalie."  
  
"You know what I mean," Eric told him. "You have no idea how worried she is about seeing Maggie again. It'd be nice if you were here."  
  
"Well it's not my fault," Carter snapped, irritably. God, now Eric was trying to lecture him? He felt bad enough already.  
  
"Hey, calm down, Carter. I didn't mean any offence." Eric held up his free hand in submission, even though Carter couldn't see him. "Anyway, aren't we kinda missing the point here?"  
  
"Right, yeah, sorry." Carter nodded to himself, shaking his anger off. "So how are they both?"  
  
Eric, who had got up and strolled over to the spare bedroom as Carter spoke, peered into the bedroom.  
  
"Well they're both sleeping now," Eric observed. "Nathalie has been a little angel, as I'm sure she always is." Carter, on the other end, smiled wistfully. God, he wished he was with his wife, who needed him. He wished so hard he could see his little daughter's wide green eyes and innocent stare. ".and Abby." Carter was now aware of Eric walking towards her, sleeping soundly in the bed.  
  
Eric looked at Abby. She slept peacefully, but her forehead was creased in a frown and she hugged herself tightly in her sleep. She missed Carter. Eric sighed to himself and left the room, not wanting to disturb her. He had already disrupted her life; he didn't want to intrude on her sleep, too.  
  
".well, Abby's sleeping right now, but she wasn't so great this morning. I guess she's a bit apprehensive about meeting Maggie," Eric admitted. There was a silence. "I'm sure she'll be fine tomorrow, she was just tired, I guess," he added, optimistically.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure she will," Carter agreed, unconvinced. "Well, thanks, Eric. You take care of my special little girls, right?"  
  
"I promise." Eric replied. "See ya, Carter."  
  
"Yeah, bye Eric," Carter replaced the phone and sighed. He knew that Eric's cheerful tone was put on. He shouldn't have convinced Abby to go. He should've made Weaver let him go. He sank his head into his hands and sighed again. He wasn't sure exactly how he should've gone about this complicated situation, but he did know that he should be with Abby now. He should be holding her and assuring her and being there for her, just like he had promised. He put his head on the table top  
  
"Sorry, Abby," he whispered into the wood laminate. "Sorry, sweetheart."  
  
* * *  
  
In an apartment bedroom, one hundred and ninety miles away, the wind blew in through an open window and rustled the curtains like whispers. This whispering wind blew a loose strand of her hair gently behind her ear and she smiled slightly in her sleep. Her frown relaxed and disappeared. Abigail Carter snuggled into the bedclothes and slept on. 


	5. Time Gone By

Abby emerged from the shower, still holding on to Nathalie. She hardly ever let her go now; it was like she was hanging on to the only thing that had been constant in her life so far. She barely spoke, barely ate and just sat; pondering and worrying over the prospect of returning to her mother with an apology she had long delayed. She was frightened of, when she finally got the courage to talk and apologise, getting a rejection or beginning a new argument.  
  
"You ready?" Eric asked, knocking on the door.  
  
"Almost," came Abby's reply. Dread was already settling in her stomach like the cold, leftover tea leaves from memories past. She quickly gathered up her handbag and put Nathalie into her baby carrier. Her daughter smiled and waved her arms.  
  
"Hey, happy little baby," Abby murmured and forced a smile. At least someone was happy.  
  
* * *  
  
Abby followed Eric around the hospital, in and out of elevators, down endless shiny corridors, not thinking, not looking up. She watched her feet automatically move while her mind was wandering somewhere else, probably already half-way home. She was jolted back to her senses when she walked into Eric, unaware he had stopped walking. He turned around and smiled at her. She immediately felt stupid.  
  
"Don't worry about it, Abby," he told her, kindly. This wasn't just about her walking into him, now. They were standing outside the door to a room, and in the room, through the glass, Abby could see Maggie lying old and frail between the immaculate sheets. Eric turned the handle and led her into the room. Maggie looked up and smiled at Eric. Then Abby emerged from behind him and Maggie's eyes lit up with a mixture of surprise, happiness and apprehension.  
  
"Hi, Mom," Eric greeted, but Maggie didn't reply, she stayed staring at Abby.  
  
"Erm.hi," Abby smiled awkwardly. Eric went over and sat by her bed, but Abby felt she could no longer move. She put Nathalie's carrier down and stood still at the foot of the bed, half-hoping that if she stayed still for long enough, they might forget she was here. Unfortunately, her plan didn't work for, as soon as she put Nathalie down, she began to wail.  
  
"What's that?" Maggie asked, despite the fact it was quite obvious. Abby began to feel embarrassed that she hadn't told her mother she had a baby and picked Nathalie up and walked closer to Maggie.  
  
"I had a baby," Abby answered. "With Carter. Her name's Nathalie."  
  
"That's great," Maggie said with fake enthusiasm. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"I.er.I forgot," Abby held Nathalie closer; she didn't really want to hand her over for her mother's inspection, but Maggie held out her arms.  
  
"Can I hold her?" she asked. Abby obediently passed Nathalie over to Maggie and took a seat beside Eric.  
  
"She's so cute," Maggie commented, before asking, as innocently as possible: "So, where is Carter?" Abby, despite coming here with good intentions, flared up when she said this.  
  
"He's at home, he couldn't get leave," she snapped. "Not all marriages fail, you know." Eric got up.  
  
"I'll wait outside," he said, hurriedly, and left.  
  
"Well you don't need to bite my head off as soon as you come," Maggie told her. "I think I can die without your help, thanks."  
  
"For god's sake, don't try and get my sympathy," Abby rolled her eyes. "And anyway, I think you'll find that without my help you would've killed yourself years ago, or else you would've killed me or Eric."  
  
"You always have to dig up the past, don't you Abby?" Maggie snapped. "You can't just leave things be, can you?"  
  
"What? You want me to just gloss over it and pretend it never happened?"  
  
"Yes, that would be nice."  
  
"Why? Why should I?"  
  
"Because it's all over now. I'm on my meds, what more do you want?" Maggie argued. Nathalie began to whimper at the raised voices.  
  
"Now, look what you've done," Abby took back her baby. "You're great with kids, aren't you, Mom. Just like with me and Eric."  
  
"You think I did it all on purpose? Just to spite my kids?"  
  
"Well you definitely didn't try."  
  
"You're wrong, Abby. I did try. When you were born, it changed my life." Maggie replied in a quietly calm voice. "I tried so hard to care for you, I would've done anything for you, but I just wasn't strong enough. I loved you more than anything in the world and you were everything to me. But then I made one stupid mistake because I forgot about how much you meant to me and then my life fell to pieces and I couldn't put it back again."  
  
"How could you not manage to even get some of your life back again?" Abby asked, incredulously. "You had Eric, didn't you? And it's not like I ever went away. Don't tell me you could never ever have gone back to normal if you tried."  
  
"Look, you've never had it, you don't know," Maggie told her.  
  
"Don't use that excuse again. I've lived with it all my life, too, haven't I?"  
  
"It's not the same," Maggie protested.  
  
"Seriously, you can't keep making excuses for yourself," Abby answered. "I came here to apologise, hoping we could all forget this, but, you know, I can't. This sort of thing can't be forgotten. But don't say I didn't try." She got up, picked up Nathalie's baby carrier and left. Eric sat in the corridor, waiting patiently.  
  
"Abby." he called after her, as she stormed off down the corridor. "Abby, wait."  
  
But Abby kept on walking. She needed to get away from them. They only brought out the worst in her with taunting memories of a childhood she never really had. The cold early spring air sharpened her mind and she breathed it in deeply as soon as she got outside. It was days like these that reminded her of her old nicotine cravings, but she remembered Nathalie, sitting quietly in the baby carrier and she shook them away. See? She gave up smoking when she found out she was pregnant. Why couldn't Maggie have just stayed on her meds? Was it really too much to ask?  
  
* * *  
  
She sat in the hotel room and stared at the pastel wallpaper in the semi- light. Nathalie slept deeply whilst Abby replayed the conversation in her brain. Each time she heard Maggie's mini-speech, she heard something new in it and she began to have images of Maggie and her new baby daughter, exactly how Abby and Nathalie were now. What if she became like Maggie? What if she was the terrible mother Maggie was to her? She knelt by her sleeping baby and pictured Maggie kneeling over her when she was a baby. She shuddered.  
  
"Please don't let that happen," she whispered to empty air. She took Nathalie's tiny hand in her own and stroked her little fingers. She stayed up all night, sitting by Nathalie and worrying. 


	6. Isolation

Days passed and grew into weeks and Abby stayed in the hotel, occasionally sneaking back to Eric's rented apartment when he was out to take back her stuff, bit by bit. She called Carter daily, but the phone calls provided no comfort for her as she created a false world to tell him about A world where she was still at Eric's and Maggie was doing ok and they were now getting on really well and Nathalie had grown attached to her grandmother. She hated lying to him but every time she picked up the phone and heard his voice, she found herself telling him a story about how she and Maggie spent all day together doing some other family bonding activity. Then she would replace the phone, feel the enthusiasm and cheerful spark drop from her voice and cry with loneliness and regret.  
  
* * *  
  
It'd been a fortnight since she had last seen anybody she loved and cared about apart from her daughter. She had grown bored of the same surroundings and the lack of decent conversation. She gradually came to hate the routine of her life in which she did no cleaning, saw no other people and lived in a world of regret and lies. She put Nathalie to bed and sat on the edge of the balcony. The stars were out in the fresh evening sky and the rumble of traffic behind her provided a regular rhythm to her troubled thoughts. She gazed down at the empty hotel pool below her. Anybody would be crazy to use it at this time of year. She gazed down at the still waters when she suddenly saw it be disrupted by a splash and the ripples that spread from it. She looked up at the sky to see if it was raining but then felt a drop trickle down her face. Oh, right, it was just her tears again. She got up and went to bed.  
  
* * *  
  
"Hello Abby, I've missed you so much," Maggie smiled as Abby entered the hospital room.  
  
"Hey Mom," she greeted and sat by her bed. "I'm sorry,"  
  
"No it's ok, we should talk about this," Maggie shook her head. "If we can just talk about it calmly and clear things up, everything will be ok."  
  
"Erm.ok," Abby agreed, feeling uncomfortable and nervous. She had never really openly discussed this without her shield of shouting and anger. A hand was put on her shoulder. It rubbed her shoulder and someone sat beside her.  
  
"Don't worry baby," smiled Carter. He held her hand. "I'm here. You can do this." Abby nodded and turned back to Maggie, but Maggie was gone. She was now in the familiar setting of her bedroom back home. She turned; Carter was lying next to her.  
  
"Great to be home, isn't it, honey?" he stroked her cheek. Abby smiled and nodded, sinking into the sheets next to him. His hand found hers and he sat up over her. He smiled, but his face quickly became a frown.  
  
"Why did you lie to me Abby?" he asked suddenly. "I care about you. Do you know how much I love you? I can't let you tear me apart like this." Then Maggie appeared.  
  
"Abby, you left me alone and I wanted you to be here with me when I died," she told her. "But I guess it's too late for that."  
  
"Yeah, Abby," Eric joined her. "You're wrecking our happy family. You don't know how worried I was." She looked up, worried and confused into Carter's angry eyes. He shook his head in disgust and then everything was black.  
  
* * *  
  
She woke up, shaking and breathing fast. She waited a while in the suffocating silence as her eyes grew adjusted to the dim light. The bedclothes were ruffled and thrown wildly about the bed from when she had thrashed about in her sleep. She gathered up the duvet and sat on the cold stone floor of the balcony, wrapped in the duvet. So lonely, so afraid, she rocked herself, trying to find a comfort that wasn't there. She couldn't live like this. 


	7. Forgive And Forget

Abby found the door after a lot of determined wandering through endless and unfamiliar corridors. Eric was already inside, talking to Maggie. Why did he have to be such a good kid and make her look bad? She knocked gently on the door with pale knuckles and Eric looked up. Instead of seeming angry, like in her nightmare, he smiled and jumped up to open the door.  
  
"Hey, Abby," he grinned. "Where've you been?" Abby looked at her feet, unable to look at his forgiving eyes.  
  
"At a hotel," she replied in a small voice. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't worry about it, kid," he put a hand on her shoulder and then stroked Nathalie's hair. "Hey, Nat. How are you?" Abby smiled at him. God, why did he have to be so forgiving? She wanted him to shout and yell and say how horrible she is. But instead he smiled warmly and said:  
  
"Ok, I guess I'll leave you two alone."  
  
Abby went and sat beside Maggie.  
  
"How are you, Mom?" she asked, quietly. Maggie smiled, tiredly.  
  
"Well I had another stroke two nights back." She told her. "And I guess each one makes me a bit weaker. But I've missed you, Abby."  
  
"I'm sorry," Abby apologised. "I was.scared." Maggie took her hand in her own old and weak one.  
  
"Scared of what, honey?"  
  
"I don't know," Abby shrugged. "Lots of things." It had been hard enough for her, admitting she was scared. She didn't really feel like searching deep inside herself to find out why.  
  
There was a silence.  
  
"We need to talk about things," Maggie hinted. "We need to let things out in order for them to be cleared up."  
  
"I'm scared because.I never knew you, and now there's no time," Abby began. "And I guess I'm also scared of being a bi-polar mother to Nathalie like you were to me. Or, worse, having Nathalie become bi-polar and you won't be there to help me. I know I have Carter, but like you always use as an excuse, I've never been 'inside' it. I don't know. I suppose that's why I always get angry when you use that as an excuse, because if Nathalie ever gets it, then I won't know how to."  
  
"You will be ok, baby." Maggie looked straight into Abby's eyes, her own eyes shining with joy that Abby was finally opening up. "You kept us three together all the time, and you were only little. I have no doubt that you could deal with anything."  
  
"But I don't want to have to deal with anything," Abby said. This might've been the only time in her life when she felt like a little girl relying fully on her mother.  
  
"I don't want to die, Abby, but it's going to happen," Maggie told her, gently.  
  
"Can we forget about all the horrible stuff I said?" Abby asked her. "Can we leave all the anger and stuff in the past?"  
  
"Only if you want to, Abby," Maggie smiled.  
  
"I just want to be here for you," Abby replied. Maggie knew that Abby meant she only wanted Maggie to be there for her, but she only nodded.  
  
"We'll be alright," Maggie promised. "We'll be ok." 


	8. Miles Apart

Abby glanced out of the hospital window and saw the fiery orange sunset sinking down between the buildings. She had spent all day with Maggie and Eric and Nathalie as a family but it still felt empty and weird. She blotted out Eric and Maggie's animated chatter as she delved deep into herself to see if she could find what was missing.  
  
"Carter," she murmured, realising, guilty that she hadn't before.  
  
"What was that, Abby?" Maggie asked, looking up.  
  
"Oh, no, I just need to.I should call Carter," she answered vaguely. "He'd be worried." She left the room to use the pay phone that was hanging on the wall of the empty corridor. She had felt so happy, truly happy, for the first time in ages, and now she couldn't even share the true happiness with Carter because he wouldn't understand. He wouldn't understand why this day was any different to all the other made up ones she had told him about. She shifted Nathalie onto her left hip as she took out her credit card and slotted it into the machine. She dialled the number and waited as it rang. How was she meant to tell him all this?  
  
"Hello?" Carter picked up the phone. "John Carter speaking."  
  
"Hey, it's Abby," she began nervously.  
  
"Hey there hun," his voice brightened considerably when he heard this and Abby wondered whether he was putting this happy voice on for her, just like she did to him. "How are you?"  
  
"I'm great, John," she told him, but she felt regretful as this was the first time she had said it and meant it.  
  
"That's nice," he enthused with an overly cheerful voice. "And Nathalie? How is she?"  
  
"She's great, too. Missing her Daddy, though," Abby told him just what he wanted to hear even though it made him feel worse. "Listen John, I really need to talk you,"  
  
"What about, baby?" he asked, concerned. "But I'll have to go to the ER in ten minutes." Abby's heart sank. She had hoped she would have at least twenty minutes to pour out her feelings.  
  
"I.erm." Abby began. "Hey, why don't you talk to Nathalie for a second, I'm kinda worried she'll forget your voice." She held the receiver to her daughter's ear and waited a while. Immediately, Nathalie began to cry, so Abby quickly took back the phone.  
  
"Sorry bout that, John," she apologised hurriedly, trying to calm Nathalie down. "She was probably a bit freaked out, hearing her Daddy's voice coming through the phone."  
  
"Yeah, something like that," Carter replied, half-heartedly, but Abby couldn't hear past Nathalie's cries which echoed down the line making Carter only feel worse.  
  
"Yeah, I love you, too, hun," she told him, vaguely. "Miss you. Gotta go now, have fun at work. Tell everyone I miss them."  
  
"Ok, sure." Carter answered, feeling down. "Love you. Bye bye."  
  
"Bye," Abby managed to juggle Nathalie, the phone back onto the holder and her credit card out of the machine and on Carter's end, the line went dead. Abby returned to Maggie's room, rocking Nathalie with her credit card between her teeth and her handbag trailing from her elbow.  
  
* * *  
  
Carter sighed and sat down on the stairs with his head in his hands. This wasn't the first time he had wished he could be with his family, but now he felt it even more. He felt that Abby wasn't telling him something but he felt worse after the 'talk' to Nathalie. What had Abby said? Worried she'll forget his voice? She probably already had done, and he had only succeeded in making her scared when he tried to tell her he loved her. What kind of a father was he? He picked up his coat and went into the ER.  
  
* * *  
  
Abby sat in Eric's rented apartment after putting Nathalie to bed at night. Eric was in the shower and she sat in front of the blank television screen. She'd probably be watching some ridiculous late night chat show with Carter right now. They wouldn't be watching, just talking about their day as they sat in each others arms, just enjoying each other's company. Abby sighed. She couldn't think about him, everytime she thought of him, she remembered how she failed to tell him the truth. She replayed the conversation in her head and realised how hurt he sounded after he had made Nathalie cry. She rubbed her eyes. She had forgotten that this was hard for him, too. At least she had Nathalie. She realised how hard she would find it without her baby girl with her, too. She imagined him, coming home to an empty flat, putting on a brave face for everybody. If it had been her, she would have found it torture.  
  
"You know, it works better if you turn it on," Eric smiled at her and turned on the TV, rubbing his wet hair with a towel. Abby smiled, quickly.  
  
"Yeah, and in Chicago we have things called combs," she commented, referring to his spiky ruffled hair. "Amazing inventions, you might have heard of them." He stuck his tongue out at her and grinned before turning back to the TV to do some channel surfing. Once he looked away, Abby's smile faded. She glanced out of the window into the inky black sky edged with orange from the street lights. She wondered if it was this dark in Chicago.  
  
* * *  
  
Carter slumped onto the desk and laid his head on the surface with a heavy sigh.  
  
"What's up, Carter?" Weaver's voice made him jump, he didn't realise anyone else would see him in this empty room. Carter looked at her, wondering whether or not to explain. He didn't want to risk letting floods of emotions out, but then he needed to tell someone.  
  
"Abby called me earlier." He began, with a sigh.  
  
"Bad news?" Weaver asked, sympathetically.  
  
"No," Carter shook his head. "It's just I talked to Nathalie on the phone but it only made her cry for ages. Abby and Nathalie have been away for so long. Do think Nathalie could have forgotten me?"  
  
"I doubt it Carter. You were the first person to hold her when she was born, weren't you?" Weaver reassured him. "She'll remember you." Carter smiled nostalgically at the memory of Nathalie's birth. It had been one of the greatest moments in his life. The first time they were all together properly as a family.  
  
"I just miss them so much." Carter confided. Weaver looked at him, thoughtfully.  
  
"Well, it'll just make it happier when they come back," Weaver suggested, with a hopeful tone. Carter looked up at her and smiled, grimly.  
  
"Thanks, Kerry, but I don't think I could be much happier than if she came back right now," Carter slumped back onto the table.  
  
"Try not to let it get you down, Carter. You'll be ok," Weaver told him, and left the room. He turned and watched the door close.  
  
"It's hard not to let it get me down," he muttered to the door. He sighed. He might just stay here tonight; he didn't think he could face another night in his flat. It needed to be filled with voices, with Abby's laughter and even Nathalie's cries. It was all those things that made it home, and now, it might as well be someone else's flat. It certainly didn't feel like his own. 


	9. The Final Hour

Maggie was discharged from the hospital the next night, despite the fact she was far from better. She had decided that, since it really was her last few moments, she'd rather spend them in a more homely environment than the sterile hospital. She was sat comfortably in Eric's bed, weak and tired, while Eric slept on the sofa.  
  
Abby was glad Nathalie slept peacefully without waking up; she would have felt so guilty if the apartment had been filled with her crying when Maggie finally went. She couldn't sleep anyway. She felt like everything that was happening was at the wrong time and in the wrong place. Why couldn't this be in Chicago with Carter? Or at least why couldn't it have been earlier, or later, when they might've got leave together? She sighed and stared at the white ceiling, trying to force herself to sleep, but instead she got up, crossed the living room quietly (so not to wake Eric) and slipped into Maggie's room instead. She sat beside her bedside, listening to the weary rasping breaths of her aged mother. It saddened her to think that there was now so little time and they had wasted it all with petty arguments.  
  
"Hey, Abby," Maggie turned and smiled at Abby, who was surprised to see her awake. "Can't sleep?"  
  
"I guess not," Abby returned the smile. "How about you? I hope I didn't wake you up."  
  
"No, it's ok." Maggie answered. "I'm glad you're here. I'm also glad we sorted things out today."  
  
"Me too, Mom," Abby took her mother's hand. "Me too." Maggie looked touched.  
  
"I don't think I have ever told you this enough, Abby," She began. "But you deserve to hear it a lot more. I'm very proud of you, Abby, and I owe a lot to you. You were always here for your little brother and now you've grown up, got married and had a beautiful daughter." Abby felt a sudden yearning at the mention of Carter; almost as though her heart was reaching out towards Chicago and leaving her body behind.  
  
"You never cease to amaze me, Abby," Maggie continued. "How you have turned out so beautiful and strong willed and even after all you've been through. I'm so proud of you. Thank you for coming back so we could have the chance to make it all up."  
  
"No problem, Mom," Abby told her, in a choked voice. She thought of all of Eric's efforts that went towards bring Abby here and wondered whether Maggie knew all this.  
  
"Keep looking after Eric after I'm gone, please?" Maggie asked her. "You've done such a good job."  
  
"Thanks. I will. I promise." Abby nodded in the semi-darkness. "I love you, Mom."  
  
"God, I love you so much, too, Abby," Maggie replied. "And I never thought I'd hear you say that to me."  
  
"I love you." Abby repeated. Maggie sighed with a mix of tiredness and happiness. Soon Maggie was asleep again and Abby found herself listening to those weary rasping breaths again. She sat by her for hours on end. When the luminous red numbers of the digital clock showed 14:59, Abby heard the laboured breathing stop. She gripped her mother's hand tightly, and fought with her medical instinct to try to keep her alive and her own heart that knew Maggie wanted to go. In the end she sat back in her chair and looked back at the clock. 15.10 Abby found herself crying tears for the mother she never thought she would cry anything other than anger for. If there had been any point in the past few weeks in which she had felt more alone, then this was it. The apartment was so quiet. So empty and quiet.  
  
* * *  
  
Carter lay on the sofa in his living room. The bed was too big for just him. He couldn't sleep. It hadn't been the first night when he had lain awake all night listening to the suffocating silence. The whole place was just too quiet. 


	10. The Long Road Home

"Are you ready, Abby?" Eric called through her bedroom door. Abby looked up as the door opened and stood up from sitting on the bed. She smiled slightly.  
  
"Yeah," she answered, quietly. Eric was dressed in an all black tuxedo.  
  
"Are you ok?" he asked concerned. Abby nodded and straightened her black jacket, smoothing out the creases on her black shirt.  
  
"I'm fine. How about you?" she replied. Eric hugged her.  
  
"Well I guess we'll be ok." Eric told her. Abby buried her head in his jacket and immediately felt guilty for trying to pretend that he was Carter. She sighed and pulled away from him. She was meant to be the strong one. She was supposed to be there for him, just like she had promise her mother. She forced a brave smile.  
  
"Come on then," she picked up Nathalie, who wore navy, as Abby didn't have the heart to dress her daughter in depression. Eric nodded and they left the apartment.  
  
As they got to the car park, Eric was heading towards his car when Abby suddenly stopped.  
  
"That's Carter's car." She commented, breathlessly. Eric turned and Abby ran towards the car parked at the other end of the car park. Sure enough, Carter got out of the car and held his arms out to her. He, too, was dressed in a black tux. Abby flung herself into his arms.  
  
"Hey, Abby," Carter murmured. "How are you holding up?" Abby turned and looked up at him with shining eyes.  
  
"Maggie is dead. But at least we made up." Abby answered. "But, John.how did you.I mean.you said that." Carter smiled slightly at her and stroked her hair, as if to try to make sure she was real.  
  
"I told you, baby." He replied. "Anything is possible."  
  
"Hey," Eric called from the other side of the car park. "We have to go," Carter nodded and escorted Abby across to Eric's car.  
  
"Is it alright if I come, too?" Carter asked, gently, not wanting to spoil what might be just a family occasion.  
  
"Alright?" Abby said, incredulously. "Of course it's alright. I've needed you here for so long." Carter beamed and took Nathalie from him.  
  
"And how are you, angel?" he smiled with relief when Nathalie smiled and held her small arms out to him. She remembered him; Weaver was right. He felt so grateful to her, as she was the one who finally let him go after seeing him falling apart in his family's absence. They got into Eric's car and made their way to Maggie's funeral.  
  
* * *  
  
The four of them stood by the grave in a solemn silence. The coffin was lowered and buried. Carter put his arm around Abby's waist and, sensing that maybe this was the time to leave Abby and Eric together, whispered in her ear:  
  
"I'll go wait in the car," Abby looked up and nodded. Her eyes were full of tears and Carter wondered why he wasn't surprised to see them there. He sat in the car with his daughter and looked out of the window upon the sight of the ordered gravestones and two solitary black figures standing, heads bowed, over the grave. The skies were grey and calm, almost as though the whole world was paying a silent respect. Just two mourners over the grave; it just didn't seem enough for the woman who made his wife who she was. He shook his head. Sometimes he just didn't understand the way the world works. Another less-deserving soul might have hundreds of people weeping over them, but for Maggie, just her two children, no-one else. Yet, though he didn't altogether know Maggie, she would probably have been pleased that they both turned up at all.  
  
* * *  
  
The car rolled along road after road. Carter and Abby sat in a comfortable silence as they journeyed home. As ever, the movement of the car had lulled Nathalie into a deep sleep and it was just quiet. However, in contrast to the couple's previous week, this was a nice type of quiet. Carter glanced at Abby who stared out of the window. She turned and noticed his glance and smiled. Her smile faded when she remembered all those things that needed explaining and confessing.  
  
"Carter, those times when I phoned you and told you about..." Abby began to explain those times she lied to him on the phone.  
  
"Abby," he cut her off, sensing her apprehension. "Tell me later, ok? We've got time."  
  
If there was anything Abby had learnt all week, it was that there always seemed to be time for everything important to happen. There would be time to fix things as long as she took up the chances she was offered. The car lapsed back into the soothing silence. There were so many things they weren't telling each other, but it didn't feel right to let it all out now. They needed time to think about how to put their feelings into sentences.  
  
The clouds stirred above them and Abby looked up into the deep, vast sky and smiled. Still, they didn't talk. There would be plenty of time to talk when they got back. After all, they had their whole lives ahead of them.  
  
(Thanks for reading ( hope u enjoyed it! If u have the time could u please review it, but hey, u don't need to if u really can't be bothered. Just hope you liked that. Love LJ xXx) 


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